Will Those Of A Sensitive Nature Please Look Away...

And if that's not enough for those for whom 'curosity killed the cat' is just a superstition I have two words:

SCROTAL ABSCESS

Sorry, but I did warn you. And it hasn't been too pleasant for me either. There is some NationStates news right at the bottom, so feel free to skip the rest.

It all happened four days ago. The weather was clement and I felt quite content, but then... then something quite terrible happened. I discovered I had an abscess. I wouldn't have minded so much if it had been, say, on my elbow or perhaps even my leg. Hell, if I'd had an iota of choice I'd have had it on my nose, but some divine force said 'Nay, thou shalt have this horrendous affliction on your scrotum, one of THE most sensitive and painful places on the human body where, unless you walk like someone who's about to do the splits, will be rubbed against your legs in the most excruciatingly painful way with every step.'

It was a bugger. A real bugger. Especially since I didn't know it was an abscess at first and kept imagining all manners of horrible things. What if it's dangerous? What would happen if it leaked? Would I become infertile? Is it a tumour?! I hoped it would just disappear, but no, it did not.

The next day, I woke up, swung out of my bed and froze as a sudden pain shot through that most intimate of body parts. Very slowly I stood up, took down my trousers, and investigated. The abscess had quadrupled in size and parts of it were black. It was gigantic. It was like having three balls. No longer did I have a left and right testicle because the abscess had dislodged one of them and left me with an upper and lower testicle instead. Very, very slowly I got dressed and went down stairs to make an appointment with the doctor.

The socks were the worst.

The next day I went to the clinic. The car-ride there is something I'd rather forget. There were speed bumps.

The doctor was very understanding as she told me, much to my relief, that it was just an abscess.

'It's very painful? How does it feel here?'

'[unintelligible noises]'

'I see, well, very soon this thing's going to be burst. Would you like me to stick a pin in it?'

'Please tell me you're kidding.'

'No.'

'Well all right then. Will it be sore?'

'A bit.'

Yeah. A bit. I think we all know what THAT means.

'[more prolonged and seemingly desperate unintelligible noises]'

'All right, maybe you should do this at home? I'll give you antibiotics for the week and some painkillers. Run a warm bath later this evening and just apply pressure to the abscess. Now there's an outlet it'll all come out.'

'[somewhat high-pitched] OK.'

So, later that evening I prepared myself mentally for the worst and gave the painkillers a good hour to take effect before I committed myself. I lowered myself into the bath, washed my hair (mostly for some delaying of the Task and not because I wished my hair to be clean, fresh, and smell of Tea Tree and Mint...), and began.

The next hour was one of the most disgusting and painful experiences of my entire life. It was grosser than a live autopsy I saw on television once. It was more painful than that time I fell face forward into a deep patch of nettles. It was even more distressing than the time I got a plastic screw stuck in my right ear. It was nasty in the extreme and I will not share the details here, for I cannot think of a good reason why anyone would want to know them. I am aware that many people take great satisfaction out of squeezing pus. I am not one of them and I never will be. Words cannot even come close to describing my horror at seeing that first jet of pinky fluid shoot out and splash against the bathroom wall.

Brr...

Well, anyway, I feel much better now and I'm optimistically hopeful that what is remaining is just swelling.

In NationStates-related news, Euroslavia has officially completed his first issue with my help. I don't think it's too bad and while his grasp of coding is still weak, there's plenty of room for improvement and I think he'll do excellently with the next one. I have also been busy and am about to undertake the editing of a further three issues myself within the next week. Oh, and the Bastard Moderator from Hell saga's back in fashion. Check it out. Oh yes, one more thing, here are some responses to the ModShort with SalusaSecondus in it.

Ciao! I hope I haven't spoiled any appetites over the next three years.